By Vernell Ingle
“And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers…” Malachi 4:6 (NKJV).
Relax, take a deep breath, close your eyes, clear your mind (don’t nod off) and go back in time. Now recall one of the happiest memories of your childhood with your family. Usually there are two common features when recalling such a warm experience. First, it probably took place outdoors; and secondly, it was simple. More than likely, it was not an elaborate or expensive event, but nonetheless, it was fun.
Four days in the summer of ’58, when I was 9, our family went camping for the first time, and I’ve never forgotten the experience. Near the coast of California, in the redwoods, playing on the beach, hiking, simple but tasty meals around the campfire, exploring, and just enjoying the great outdoors made a huge impact on my life. When I grew up and had a family of my own, guess what was our favorite thing to do? Some of our most memorable family experiences have been our annual camping trips.
Obviously, not everyone enjoys camping, but there are all kinds of simple pleasures in life that families can enjoy together. Whether it’s a camping trip, playing catch in the yard or a family game night, the important thing is that healthy families spend time together. Healthy families not only take time for each other, but they enjoy their time together. This doesn’t just happen; they make it happen. Such families are just as busy as any other family, but their family is top priority.
A young boy with destructive behavior was asked by the family counselor, “If you could have anything you wanted, what kind of reward would you be willing to work for?” The boy responded without hesitation, “Most of all I would like to go on a fishing trip with my dad.” Making family top priority requires a mindset. This means that we will do whatever is necessary to provide adequate time for our family. What time we do spend together should entail both quality and quantity of time.
Imagine paying good money for a steak dinner, and then the waiter brings you a one-inch-square steak. You obviously protest, but the water responds by saying, “It’s not the quantity but the quality that counts.” No pun intended, but you are not going to buy that. In fact, when it’s all over, the waiter might be wearing a beef eye patch! Meaningful family relationships require both quality and quantity of time.
In February 2006
Family News from James Dobson reported that Americans are the most overworked and vacation-starved people in the industrialized world, and that we are working ourselves to death. Obviously, this is a major contributor in the breakdown of the family. The home ends up being a boarding house where family members just eat and sleep.
Dobson quoted George Barna in regards to this trend, “…The lives of each family member are usually so jam-packed that the opportunity to spend time together doing unique activities—talking about life, visiting special places, playing games and sharing spiritual explorations—has to be scheduled in advance. Few do so.” In our fast-paced, high-tech, harried lifestyle, spending quality time together as a family may seem like a monumental task. The fact is, it is doable. The question is how bad do we want it? If your family is top priority, you’ll take the time.
Here are five practical suggestions for rediscovering and enjoying time with your family:
1. Initiate activities that promote communication. This may mean that we need to curb our use of the TV, video games, iPods, computers, text-messaging, and whatever else promotes isolation. This does not mean that all these new technologies are inherently evil—they just need to be controlled. We want to make sure we are not sacrificing interpersonal family relationships. In place of these activities we might enjoy more table games, or even the new interactive Wii games in which a family can participate together.
A great place to start would be to take meals together whenever possible. In our home Sunday afternoon meals were taken around the table. That was our special time together. The TV remained off, the answering machine was turned on, and it communicated loudly and clearly that our family time was important. This continued after our children married; it simply turned into a tribal meal rather than just a family meal!
Go for family walks or take trips to the park. Look for creative ways to provide times and places where you can talk. Have family councils where you involve the whole family. Take time for discussion and questions and answers. Deal with areas of strengths and weaknesses in the family and what each member can do to improve family life. You might be surprised at what you’ll discover.
2. Build each other up. It’s easy to criticize, put down, and nail someone to the floor whenever anyone does something wrong. But we also need to be quick to praise and note when someone does something right. We can look for ways to express our appreciation and encourage one another rather than take each other for granted.
As a boy, when our family was visiting my aunt and uncle, I was doing some homework. My uncle just walked up, looked over my shoulder and simply said, “You’ve got great penmanship.” That’s all he said, and then he walked away. It was a simple comment, a brief moment—but it stayed with me and I never forgot it. It encouraged me to do even better, and I did.
Someone once said, “Impression without expression leads to depression.” There are all kinds of things we can do to encourage and build each other up. You can use sticky notes, text messages, or even old-fashioned snail mail! Celebrate your lives together. Make special days, such as birthdays, a big deal. We used a special plate that was given to us from Josh McDowell that read, “You are special and loved,” with a Scripture engraved on it. At different times each family member was given that plate to use for special occasions in their lives.
This past Christmas most of our family was with us, and we didn’t have enough holiday plates to go around. So, I lovingly got the plate down and used it for myself—I don’t understand why the family reacted the way they did?
Be involved in the lives of your children. If possible, both parents should attend parent-teacher conferences and the school’s open-house. This sends a message to your children that they are important. As parents we can build a complex or create confidence.
3. Promote family roots and identity. It is important to stay in touch with extended family. There is a sense of family rootlessness and disconnection today like never before. Families are busy and more mobile than ever. Such rootlessness, disconnection and mobility can contribute to insecurity and instability in one’s life.
Make time for grandparents and great-grandparents, and allow them to relay their stories. Go through the old photo albums together and update them. Visit the places from your past. Learn the history of your family and create a heritage corner with photos of previous generations.
Years ago our family took a day, packed a picnic lunch and visited all the places where we, our parents and our grandparents lived. We actually came across the house where my grandparents (my children’s great-grandparents) lived. I couldn’t believe it was still standing! I got out of the car (the house was vacant), but there was a city truck there. An elderly gentleman met me and, after I explained why I was there, he excitedly claimed that he knew my grandpa and the Ingle family. Amazingly, he told us that within three days the city was going to raze the house. I was glad we took that day to share with our kids some of their family history. This gave our children a sense of identity and connection.
4. Do out-of-the-ordinary things. Don’t be afraid to get down and crazy with your kids at times. Take a family skip day; keep a kid out of school and go do something special (I have to say that this should not be common practice, since I’m married to a teacher). Get the sleeping bags out and have everyone sleep in the family room or pitch the tent in the backyard. Have an all-night video or game night.
There were times when our boys would invite their friends over and they would all bring their Risk games (military strategy game to conquer the world). On the Friday nights we would have a risk tournament that would last most of the night. At the beginning, there might be four games going at once in different rooms of the house. Even after our sons were gone, their friends would still come over to play games at our house. The important thing to remember here is to break up the routine; make room for surprises and just have fun.
5. Build life-long memories. Chuck Swindoll once said that we are to build a “museum of memories.” Such memories instill a sense of well-being in our hearts.
Take those vacations—make each one a family affair and plan ahead with the whole gang. Be involved with your children in their extra-curricular activities. I had the joy of coaching all four sons their first couple of years in little league. Establish a weekly family time and protect it!
Establish meaningful traditions, especially during the holidays. Our annual Christmas treks to Santa Rosa, CA from Joplin, MO remain one of our most memorable family experiences. We would drive straight through (the record was just over 31 hours!). The kids would see who could stay up the longest with dad. On one such occasion two of the boys were still awake about 1 a.m. as we were crossing the panhandle of Texas. I had classical music playing softly while the rest of the family was asleep. Off in the distance there were flashes of lightning streaking across the sky. The lightning flashes seemed to be in perfect synchronization with the classical music. It was as if God was putting on a music video just for us. It was an awesome experience and we will never forget that heavenly light show.
But a tradition can also be something as simple as “waffle Saturdays.” Do establish traditions, for they are important to family health and individual well-being.
Years ago the late Senator Paul Tsongas, after learning that he had cancer, reevaluated his time with his wife and kids. After a rare meaningful evening with his family and realizing there may not be many more evenings like it, he famously said, “Nobody on his deathbed ever regretted saying ‘I wish I had spent more time on the job.’” Time with family is the most precious gift we can give. It is precious because you cannot get it back once it is gone.
My wife and I now live a great distance from our immediate and extended family. The walls of our house are plastered with family pictures we’ve accumulated through the years. There are many times when I sit at our dining room table and ruminate as I look at these pictures and think, as we older types do, “Where has the time gone?”
Today families are being torn apart by all kinds of external pressures. That is why we must be proactive in guarding our time with family. The choice is ours.
Through wisdom a house is built,
And by understanding it is established;
By knowledge the rooms are filled
With all precious and pleasant riches
Proverbs 24:3, 4 (NKJV).
John Dreschas was quoted in Delores Curran’s book,
Traits of a Healthy Family:
Now is the time to love. Tomorrow the baby won’t be rocked, the toddler won’t be asking why, the school boy won’t need help with his lesson, nor will he bring his school friends home for some fun. Tomorrow the teenager will have made his major decision. Love today!
The following is excerpted from Rev. Edith Heard’s new book, Little Lady from the Tribe of Gad, which will be available at General Convention.
