'I Can'-fidence

Teena Skiles

Have any of you parents been involved in a conversation with your child such as this?

"I can't do it, Mom (or Dad."
"Yes, you can."
"No, I can't."
"Yes, you can!"

I have cut the conversation down by at lease five "cant's" and six "cans!" I have been guilty of "conning" my girls into having confidence. Are you guilty as well? Have you said things like, "OK, if you do this, then I will buy that for you," or "OK, you can do this, and if you do, I promise I will (fill in the blank)."

It's "Con" vs. "Can!" Let us commit to pray that God's true confidence will be OVER our children and IN them.

We recently went to our youngest daughter's first softball game. She was quite upset that she actually had to play a game, because she thought she had "just signed up to practice." She actually has very skilled eye-hand coordination and enjoyed practicing and working with her father and sisters in the front yard to develop her skills. But something happened when she found out that she had to perform in a game -- against another team, while a crowd was watching! Something inside her told her she wasn't good, enough, made her nervous, made her want to quit BEFORE she ever set foot on the field. I know for a fact that we did not speak that into her thoughts or being. That tells me the enemy, the devil, starts out lying to our children while they are young and impressionable.

That sounds exactly like the enemy I know. He will strike our children with fear and inferiority so they will never get in the game... the game of life! That's where we moms come in! Go ahead, moms, give me a fist pump and a big "YES!" We have the power of prayer to establish our children in God's true confidence, confidence that will cause them to know who they are and Who is on their side. We repeat Philippians 4:13 together every morning on the way to school: "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me." It's not a coincidence that we say that together; we speak that on purpose!

Proverbs 14:26 says, "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence and his children will have refuge" (NASB). I want to raise strong, confident ladies who will fear the Lord and will therefore be safe as His Word promises.

Holding hangs and swinging our arms while walking to the dugout, my youngest daughter and I spoke the words of Philippians 4:13 again, so she could say herself "I CAN." We also spoke positive words like, "Today is about doing your best, today is about meeting new friends; today is about having fun; today is about trying hard; and today is about making someone smile." By the second inning, she ran to where I was sitting, put her mouth up to my ear and whispered, "Mom, I'm not nervous anymore." She ran back to the dugout and confidently go back in the game.

Another lesson learned... praise the Lord!

Healthy Families/Healthy Society

Loyd Naten

When I think of the word "family" I think of going to Mama's for dinner, getting together for holidays, sharing in one another's successes, or standing with them when things are tough. I think of the intimacy I have with those I love who are a vital part of my life. I've found through the years that changes occur, miles may separate us, but distance does not sever that strong bond known as "family ties". 

The truth is, that's the way God designed and ordained family to be -- a type of Christ and the Church, bound together in love, unity, vision, and purpose. However, sad but true, the present concept of marriage and family in America is viewed (in many aspects) to be in devastating contrast to God's design for family. How sad! 

The fact is, stable, healthy families are major security blocks for our society. Should these vital "building blocks" begin to decay and crumble, it is most certain that the entire structure of society will also decompose. Another definition for decompose is "rot"! All we have to do is to look around us, watch the evening news to see a lot of rottenness in our world today! Sad to say, but true, society is nothing more than the home amplified. 

It was God-fearing, Christ-honoring, self-sacrificing, hard-working families that were bound together in unity of purpose that built America! Yet, today division seems to be the norm, and it is tearing our nation apart. 

It was hard-working, unified families who obeyed the call of God on their lives and literally built The Pentecostal Church of God! Children who were brought up in the fear and admonition of the Lord, whose parents were true examples of godly love and dedication to the divine cause of Christ, also became building pioneers under the banner of the PCG! No sacrifice seemed too great, no vision unattainable for our family of founders of the yester-years. Today, the kingdom of God is still being built on the building blocks of prayer, faith, unrelenting vision, sacrifice, and hard work of families who are in on accord with each other and with God. 

It is alarming, even a frightening reality, that the family has become a prime target of a Satanic attack. His attack began in the Garden of Eden. Any rules that God has created and ordained and commissioned for humanity to live by immediately becomes Satan's objective to destroy. Foundation blocks, such as belief in the Bible and trust in God, honesty, clean living, at every level of life that is in accord with biblical principles are under attack and must be recognized! It is not what the Supreme Court rules, or any level of government permits, or society accepts, if it is not based on the teaching of the Word of God, it is unacceptable by God! 

It is obvious that moral values are rapidly shifting away from God's rule of living-- the "abundant life rule" that only comes from being a follower of Christ. While the loss of a moral compass (in the world in general) is troubling, how much more should it be troubling when this loss also becomes evident among the Christian family who is commissioned to be the salt and light in the world? 

Moms and dads, the "salt and light" factor plays a most vital role in family life. Salt, as we know, is a preservative as well as seasoning for food. (Oh, how icky those breakfast eggs would taste without a sprinkle of salt!). And light, as we well know, dispels darkness, shows light on our pathway, and is essential to life itself. 

Does not the definition of salt and light, which God says we are to be, clearly reveal what our children need from their mom and dad to form a well preserved family unit? Children need to be literally "preserved" in the truths of God's Word. They need to experience a well-seasoned life pleasurable togetherness, making enduring memories that will live on and on, being ever thankful for being a part of a family functioning in the Light Gospel of Christ. 

8 Ways Screens Are Ruining Your Family's Life

By Lori Leibovich

For her new book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, Catherine Steiner-Adair EdD -- a clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard, a school consultant, and a therapist in private practice -- interviewed more than one thousand children between the ages of 4 and 18 to find out how technology was impacting their relationships and their social and emotional lives. What Steiner-Adair discovered was neither surprising, nor comforting: Technology is becoming a kind of “co-parent;” too much screen time is impeding childhood development; and parents’ obsession with their devices is harming communication with their children and even fracturing families.

Just in time for back to school, The Huffington Post asked Steiner-Adair to tell us the eight essential things parents with children of all ages need to know about screens.

1. Don’t put your baby in front of a screen. Ever.

If you’re not convinced by the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics, then consider this: “We don’t know yet the chemical interaction between a smartphone and a baby’s brain," says Steiner-Adair. One 2010 Danish study of 28,000 children found that exposure to cell phones before and after birth seemed to lead to an increased risk for behavioral problems. Beyond that, one of the most important skills a baby needs to learn, Steiner-Adair says, is how to calm herself down. “If you hand [a young child] a screen of any kind when they’re frustrated, you’re teaching them how not to self-soothe,” she says. “You’re handing them a stimulant. Your baby’s brain is brilliant and what it needs is good stimulation and soothing from you. You are the best app for your child.”

2. And think hard about putting your toddler in front of one, too.

“A child only has from 0-5 to develop neurologically what we call the sensorium -- that’s the part of the brain where pre-literacy, kinesthetic movement, and language development happens,” says Steiner-Adair. This kind of brain development takes place through outdoor play, building, dancing, skipping, coloring -- all activities involving multi-sensory engagement. This kind of healthy engagement is basically the opposite of passively swiping a finger across a screen, says Steiner-Adair. While she acknowledges that decent games and apps exist -- Steiner-Adair directs parents toCommon Sense Media’s website for recommendations -- she insists that replacing play “IRL” with play on a screen is not what children this age need.

3. Teachers can tell if your child is getting too much screen time.

Educators interviewed for Steiner-Adair’s book said that kids who spend too much time in front of screens play differently -- and less creatively -- than other children. Those who act out “Mario Brothers” or “Angry Birds” in the school yard aren’t tapping into their capacity to create their own narratives, says Steiner-Adair. “Instead of saying ‘look how high I can go’ when they’re on the swings, they say ‘look, I got to the next level!’” she says. Teachers also told the author that students who play a lot of video games don’t seem to have as much patience to sit still in the classroom, especially when they are being read to. “The capacity for attention doesn’t develop as well when kids are used to interacting with a screen that’s instantly gratifying, instantly stimulating, and provides them what the answers for the next level,” says Steiner-Adair.

4. Your kids hate your screens.

Steiner-Adair says that what came up again and again during her interviews with hundreds of kids was how frustrated, sad and angry they were about having to compete with screens for their parents’ attention. “Children hate it when their parents pick them up and are on their phones and don’t even turn to say, ‘Hi honey, how was your day?’ Instead they’re giving them the shhh one minute signal which basically says ‘you’re not as important to me as whoever this other person on the phone is.’ Car rides to and from school as well as dinner, bath and reading time -- parents should be present and phone-free for all of these daily rituals, she says. “Kids do not need our undivided attention all day long, but they do in those real-life moments of talking and reading and doing the hard work of parenting -- dealing with meltdowns, teaching them how to pick up their clothes.” The bottom line: If you think your kids don’t notice that you’re distracted, you’re deluding yourself. One of Steiner-Adair’s subjects told her, “I miss the olden days when families were more important.”

5. Just because we can be connected to work 24/7 doesn’t mean we shouldbe.

Many parents argue that part of why they’re plugged in during family time is because they feel they have to be available to their employers. “You either sacrifice being a good mother or father and the very limited time you have to raise your children -- or you sacrifice and risk your job to support your ability to live,” says Steiner-Adair. “This is not healthy for anybody and it’s a no-win choice.” Being constantly on call or being afraid of missing something if you don’t check your work email means you’re preoccupied and stressed when you should be enjoying your family. Steiner-Adair says that if the modern workplace is ever going to change, parents must ask employers for modulated schedules and speak up about their need to unplug.

6. Screens aren’t good for your marriage. And that’s not good for your kids.

Steiner-Adair asks parents to answer this question honestly: “First thing in the morning, do you roll over in bed and look at your phone and scroll through it -- or do you roll over and cuddle your partner?” Kids are acutely aware of their parents’ disengagement from each other. In her interviews with children, many spoke to Steiner-Adair about their parents’ constant bickering over screen rules (such as no phones at the table) and said that they view their parents as hypocrites when they see them flouting the family guidelines they’ve set up. “Kids see parents talking to each other about something important and then one of them answers a call mid-conversation,” she says. “One parent has dropped the other parent. What does it say to kids about how we connect to the people we love the most?”

7. In order to be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself.

“Adults use screens the same way kids do -- to avoid interaction and to avoid relying on our own inner resources," says Steiner-Adair. Increasingly when parents have a few minutes to recharge they are using that time to browse Facebook, send texts, etc. “It’s so much easier than picking up a magazine or putting your feet up on the couch and having a mini moment of relaxation -- or going for a walk and getting some fresh air-- all these things that we know actually make us feel better.” Some parents may feel that browsing Instagram or scanning the news is actually a calming way to take a break, but Steiner-Adair is skeptical. “Checking your email is not relaxing,” she says. ”Holding a tiny little hand held screen is not visually relaxing.”

8. Sorry, but you really don’t know what your kids are doing online. But that doesn’t mean you should give up trying.

Steiner-Adair points to a June 2013 McAfee study, “Digital Deception: Exploring the Online Disconnect Between Parents and Kids,” as evidence that parents are often clueless about what their kids are doing online -- and says that their ignorance is seriously harming their kids. Among the study’s findings: 80 percent of parents don’t know how to check up on what their kids are doing online. Not only that, 74 percent “simply admit defeat and claim that they do not have the time or energy to keep up with their children and hope for the best,” according to the study’s authors. But Steiner-Adair says defeat is not an option when you consider all of the damaging content kids can easily stumble upon online. While interviewing kids for her book, Steiner-Adair says, several teen boys asked her questions about sexual scenes they’d seen online. “They would say, ‘can you help me understand why a woman would want to be choked while having sex? Why would she want to be peed on?’” Indeed, the McAfee study found that over 57 percent of 13-23 year olds use the Internet to search sexual topics while only 13 percent of parents believe they do.

But Steiner-Adair sees hope in at least one of the McAfee stats: Nearly half of the teens surveyed said they would change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching. “This means we can have an impact,” Steiner-Adair says. In addition to making sure that all computer use is done in a public place in the home, Steiner-Adair recommends that parents and kids sign an agreement that clearly states acceptable and unacceptable online behavior – and post it prominently. “The reason you’re supposed to sign it and post it is to remind kids, but also so that when other kids come over it makes it easier for your child to say, ‘oh no, I’ll get in too much trouble if I go to that site. See, I have the worst parents in the word," Steiner-Adair says. “That’s what you want your kids to say. You want to be that worst parent in the world.”

Copyright © 2013 Lori Leibovich

Rediscovering and Enjoying Your Family

by Vernell Ingle 

 

Relax, take a deep breath, close your eyes, clear your mind (don’t nod off) and go back in time. Now recall one of the happiest memories of your child

hood with your family. Usually there are two common features when recalling such warm experiences. First, it probably took place outdoors; and secondly, it was simple. More than likely, it was not an elaborate or expensive event, but nonetheless, it was fun. Four days in the summer of ’58, when I was 9, our family went camping for the first time, and I’ve never forgotten that experience. Near the coast of California, in the redwoods, playing on the beach, hiking, eating tasty meals around the campfire, exploring, and just enjoying the great outdoors—it was simple, but it made a huge impact on my life.

When I grew up and had a family of my own, guess what our favorite thing to do was? Some of our most memorable family experiences have been our annual camping trips. Obviously, not everyone enjoys camping, but there are all kinds of simple pleasures in life that families can enjoy together. Whether it’s a camping trip, playing catch in the yard, or a family game night, the important thing is that healthy families spend time together. Healthy families not only take time for each other, but they enjoy their time together. This doesn’t just happen; they make it happen. Such families are just as busy as any other family, but their family is top priority.

A young boy with destructive behavior was asked by the family counselor, “If you could have anything you wanted, what kind of reward would you be willing to work for?” The boy responded without hesitation, “Most of all, I would like to go on a fishing trip with my dad.” Making family top priority requires a mind-set. This means that we will do whatever is necessary to provide adequate time for our family. What time we do spend together should entail both quality and quantity of time. Imagine paying good money for a steak dinner and the waiter brings you a one-inch square steak. You obviously protest, but the waiter responds by saying, “It’s not the quantity but the quality that counts.” No pun intended, but you are not going to “buy” that. In fact, when it’s all over, the waiter might be wearing a beef eye patch. Meaningful family relationships require both quality and quantity of time.

The February 2006 Family News from James Dobson reported that Americans are the most overworked and vacation starved people in the industrialized world, and that we are working ourselves to death. Obviously, this is a major contributor to the breakdown of the family. The home ends up being a boarding house where family members just eat and sleep. Dobson quoted George Barna in regards to this trend, “The life of each family member is usually so jam-packed that the opportunity to spend time together doing unique activities—talking about life, visiting special places, playing games, and sharing spiritual explorations—has to be scheduled in advance. Few do so.” In our fast-paced, high-tech, harried lifestyle, spending quality time together as a family may seem like a monumental task. The fact is, it is doable. The question is how bad do we want it? If your family is top priority, you’ll take the time. Here are five practical suggestions to rediscovering and enjoying time with your family.

1. Initiate activities that promote communication. This may mean that we need to curb TV watching, video games, cell phone usage, computer time, and whatever else that promotes isolation. This does not mean that all of these new technologies are inherently evil—they just need to be controlled. We want to make sure that we are not sacrificing interpersonal family relationships. Enjoy more table games or interactive Wii games where a family can participate together. A great place to start would be to take meals together whenever possible. In our home, Sunday afternoon meals were taken around the table. That was our special time together. The TV remained off, the answering machine was turned on, and it communicated loud and clear that our family time was important. This continued after our children married; it just turned into a “tribal meal” rather than just a family meal! Go for family walks and or take trips to the park. Look for creative ways to provide times and places where you can talk. Have family councils where you involve the whole family. Take time for discussion and questions and answers. Deal with areas of strengths and weaknesses in the family and what each one can do to improve family life. You might be surprised at what you’ll discover.

2. Build each other up. It’s easy to criticize, put down, and nail to the floor whenever anyone does something wrong. But we also need to be quick to praise and note when someone does something right. We can look for ways to express our appreciation and encourage one another rather than take each other for granted. As a boy, when our family was visiting my aunt and uncle, I was doing some homework. My uncle just walked up, looked over my shoulder, and simply said, “You’ve got great penmanship.” That’s all he said and walked away. A simple comment, a brief moment, but it stayed with me, and I never forgot it. It encouraged me to do even better, and I did. Someone once said, “Impression without expression leads to depression.” There are all kinds of things we can do to encourage and build each other up. You can use sticky notes, text messaging, even old fashioned snail mail!

Celebrate your lives together. Make special days a big deal, such as birthdays. We used a special plate that was given to us from Josh McDowell, which read, “You are special and loved,” with a Scripture engraved on it. At different times, each family member was given that plate to use for special occasions in their lives. This past Christmas most of our family was with us and we didn’t have enough holiday plates to go around. So, I lovingly got the plate down and used it for myself—I don’t understand why the family reacted the way they did? Be involved in the lives of your children. If possible, both parents should attend parent-teacher conferences and the school’s open house. This sends a message loud and clear to your children that they are important. As parents we can build a “complex” or create confidence in our kids.

3. Promote family roots and identity. It is important to stay in touch with extended family. There is a sense of family rootlessness and disconnect today like never before. Families are busy and more mobile than ever before. Such rootlessness, disconnect, and mobility can contribute to insecurity and instability in one’s life. Make time for grandparents and great grandparents, and allow them to relay their stories. Go through the old photo-albums together and update. Visit the places from your past. Learn the history of your family and create a heritage corner with photos of previous generations. Years ago our family took a day, packed a picnic lunch, and visited all the places where we, our parents, and their great grandparents lived. We actually came across the house where my grandparents, our children’s great grandparents, lived. I couldn’t believe it was still standing. I got out of the car because the house was vacant, but there was a city truck there. An elderly gentleman met me, and after explaining why I was there, he excitedly claimed that he knew my grandpa and the Ingle family. Amazingly, he told us that within three days the city was going to raze the house. I was glad we took that day to share with our kids some of their family history. This gives our children a sense of identity and connection.

4. Do out-of-the-ordinary things. Don’t be afraid to get down and crazy with your kids at times. Take a family skip day. Keep a kid out of school and go do something special (this should not be common practice, since I’m married to a school teacher). Get the sleeping bags out and have everyone sleep in the family room or pitch the tent in the backyard. Have an all night video or game night. There were times our boys would bring their friends over and they would all bring their Risk games over (military strategy game to conquer the world). On these Friday nights we would have a Risk tourney that would last most of the night. At the beginning there might be four games going at once in different rooms of the house. Even after our sons were gone, their friends would still come over to play games at our house. The important thing to remember here is to break up the routine, make room for surprises, and just have fun.

5. Build life-long memories. Chuck Swindoll once said that we are to build a “museum of memories.” Such memories instill a sense of well being in our hearts. Take those vacations, make it a family affair, and plan ahead with the whole gang. Be involved with your children in their extra-curricular activities. I had the joy of coaching all four sons their first couple of years in little league. Establish a weekly family time and protect it! Establish meaningful traditions, especially during the holidays. Our annual Christmas treks to Santa Rosa, California from Joplin, Missouri remain one of our most memorable family experiences. We would drive straight through (the record was just over 31 hours!) The kids would see who could stay up the longest with dad. On one such occasion, two of the boys were still awake about 1 a.m. as we were crossing the panhandle of Texas. I had classical music playing softly while the rest of the family was asleep. Off in the distance there were flashes of lightening streaking across the sky. The lightening flashes seemed to be in perfect synchronization with the classical music. It was as if God was putting on a music video just for us. It was an awesome experience, and we will never forget that heavenly light show. But a tradition can also be something as simple as “waffle Saturdays.” Establish traditions, for they are important to family health and individual well-being.

Years ago the late Senator Paul Tsongas, after learning he had cancer, re-evaluated his time with his wife and kids. After a rare meaningful evening with his family, and realizing there may not be many more evenings like this, later said, “Nobody on his deathbed ever said regretfully, “I wish I had spent more time on the job.” Time with family is the most precious gift that we can give. It is precious because you cannot get it back once it is gone. My wife and I now live a great distance from our immediate and extended family. The walls of our house are plastered with family pictures through the years. There are many times I sit at our dining room table and ruminate as I look at these pictures and think, as us older types do, “Where has the time gone?”  

Today, families are being torn apart by all kinds of external pressures. That is why we must be proactive in guarding our time with family. The choice is ours.

“Through wisdom a house is built,

And by understanding it is established;

By knowledge the rooms are filled

With all precious and pleasant riches.” 

(Proverbs 24:3, 4, NKJV)

John Dreschas was quoted in Delores Curran’s book, Traits of a Healthy Family, “Now is the time to love. Tomorrow the baby won’t be rocked, the toddler won’t be asking why, the schoolboy won’t need help with his lesson, nor will he bring his school friends home for some fun. Tomorrow the teenager will have made his major decision. Love today!”